Monday, September 9, 2013

“I have spilt my latte on my cardigan”

Notes for Tanya: This is a thing I wrote last week at work. Sorry it's so long. I will do my superhero boyfriends and gameshow challenge when I can, but I work tonight too. I feel terrible because I can't keep up to your schedule. I've only got like 20 hours at Retailland this week so it should lend more time to posting. One or the other will be posted tonight. If you want two challenges this week to make up for your lack of challenge last week, let me know. Anyways... here's the post.

The title above is an actual text that I sent to Tanya last Monday afternoon.

Context: I was extremely excited to get a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte (The first of the year! Yum!), and was on my way back to the office when I decided to hold onto to the top of my coffee cup with my teeth as I opened the door. The rest is pretty self explanatory. Don’t ask why I did this. I completely disregarded all safety precautions that are bolded on the bottom of each Starbucks take-away coffee cup. I feel dumb even talking about it. My cardigan will never be the same.


[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400"] NB: It is not advised to pumpkin spice cardigans.[/caption]


Resolution: I will never try to hold a coffee cup with my teeth ever again… or at least until next time I have to go through a door.


That is not the point of this post. The point is that I texted Tanya, turned off my phone and then went back into the office slightly soggy and smelling of Pumpkin Spice. When I went to text Tanya again (which I do extremely often) I realized how incredibly hipster I sounded. If those of you who read this are unaware of the definition of ‘hipster’, I will provide one for you. Urbandictionary defines ‘hipster’ as:

-          “n. Definitions are too mainstream.”

-          “(hip-stur) n. A 20 something white, upper-middle class suburban transplant to any gentrifying neighborhood in any major city, but Brooklyn, NY in particular. Disheveled, hand-me-down appearance to present the image that they are not a slave to trends or fashions(ha!) They typically wear thick, Andy Warhol-like glasses (whether they need them or not), unshaven, unkempt shaggy hair and retro Converse sneakers sometimes with no laces. The term is often used as a pejorative considering a "hipster" detests being called a "hipster."


[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="446"]Phoebe Phoebe - Celeste Doodles, Tumblr[/caption]

Therefore, cardigans are hipster and lattes are hipster. I’m just imagining that text message not coming from me, but from one of CelesteDoodles' mock-ups of grown up Magic School Bus characters (note: they are all very artsy and hipster). I’m slightly put off. Not that I have anything wrong with the movement, but I just don’t associate myself with it. I’m not trendy or fashionable or cool in anyway. Not even in an ironic way. If by ‘disheveled’ the urbandictionary users really mean that a person looks like they woke up after 4 hours of sleep and didn’t have time to wash their hair. I wear $5 tee shirts from the grocery store and I couldn’t tell you what cool things are happening this weekend - unless you wanted to know how great season 5 of the West Wing is (ps: it’s excellent). If you think otherwise, you’re very wrong and I suggest you get a CAT scan because you may have a tumor that is affecting your optical nerve.


I have started having a crisis of identity: What if I have been hipster all along? Should I be more annoyed with the classification than I actually am? What if I am extremely artsy and cool and can wear scarves various ways? What if I actually do have effortlessly beautiful hair and I never realized it? Have I been putting too much effort into my fashion and lifestyle choices? Shouldn’t I just be inherently be able to look gorgeous in an Instagram upload as I tilt my head, cock my hip and smile slightly? Do I like Pabst and I’ve just been faking it? How into vintage clothes shopping am I really? I do end up at Value Village when I have $10 to my name; does that count? I’m not going to fight this; I will allow the internet to define me!

To determine whether I’ve been making my life harder than it has to be [because obviously hipsters have it very easy]; I have decided to take a quiz. You can do it too! There are a ton of different options to really understand your personal level of ‘hipster-ness’, but I ended up going to: This is mostly because it was one of the first options on the list; technically it’s about hipster boys, but it almost 100% still applied. Here are my results:

“26-33 - In most situations people are probably going to call you a hipster. You're never seen without a pair of skinny jeans, a plaid shirt, an ironic (not really ironic anymore) mustache while sipping on 24oz of the Blue Ribbon. Hell you might even blog about music, style and what makes a hipster. But something's missing. You're just not as plugged into the hipster social and music scene like you should be. Your more hipster friends will accept you and celebrate when you're around. But when you're not, they'll secretly scoff at the fact that you don't own a fixie all while they Instagram pictures of their 100% local grown and raised organic meal with a kick-ass Nashville filter.”

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="476"] Cyanide and Happiness[/caption]


This absolutely makes sense. So much so that, aside from the mustache comment, I’m pretty sure that this website is stalking my life. Thankfully, I have not yet fallen in love with Pabst, but I mean… I like trying different local brews. I also like Converse. Hello, my name is Crystal, and I am at least a pseudo-hipster. At most I am a museum loving, Spice Girls lip-syncing, job-hating, coffee-drinking, bees-kneeing bibliophile who doesn’t drink Pabst. Please to meet you.

Tanya, I hope you’ll still accept me, despite my latte-loving, cardigan-wearing ways. Regardless, here's your challenge: Let me know what 3 items you would save (the Boy and dogs not included) if your house was on fire. Pictures would be appreciated.



PS: this was kind of a joke, guys. I’m not really trying to be a bully against hipsters or try to define people based on an extremely vague set of parameters.

1 comment:

  1. Crystal I think based on the definition of hipster we are both a bit hipstery. I have thick glasses and literally wear plaid almost all the days. It may or may not be because its good camouflage for when I spill stuff, or because its the only two shirts I can find lately, but none the less, I own so many cardigans.
    Also I loved this post. If you want to not do challenges for a while and just do posts as you want then that is cool too :)


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